Diet Schmiet

I have a love/hate relationship with Weight Watchers. Generally, over all, I love it. But some days? Oh, how I loathe the WW.

I've always been a bit on the "heavier" side of things. No one in my family is particularly petite; mostly due to our "healthy appetites". We've never substituted butter and 'low fat' was the equivalent of 'no flavor' in my house. I didn't even know what a portion size was until I was in my 20s and Burger King was the only one cooking in my house for a period of time. So, needless to say, I was a pudgy thing in high school and the freshman 15 dorm-life padded me even more. Then, when I started this job, I stress ate to add another plumping 20 pounds.

I should mention now that I hate exercising. Hate. Abhor. Loathe. I am a tried and true couch potato. What I hate the most about it is sweating. The feeling of sweat is so... gross. Especially when it drips between my boobs or down the crack of my ass. Eeeyeew. I shudder writing this thinking about it. If I'm sweating, it better be because I'm laying in the sun working on my tan while drinking a cerveza; not because I'm on a treadmill. Any weight loss I'm doing has to be either through osmosis or diet.

Also, I carry weight funny. I am not one of those people who equalizes it everywhere. I carry 90% of it around my stomach. I have a severe case of spare tire. With a love handle complication. Muffin-top should be my middle name. Because it happens no matter what pants I wear. It's pretty disgusting, honestly. I try to pretend it's not there and hope everyone else does too. I've taken to wearing baggy sweaters a lot to cover it. I don't want to look at it - why should anyone else have to?

I was pushing 210 pounds on a 5'5" frame when I became pregnant with Keian 3 years ago. Apparently my husband didn't mind the extra flab - more cushion for the pushin? Anywhoo... I was quickly diagnosed as having gestational diabetes, which resulted in a strict 'light carb' diet. Which I followed religiously for the first about 6 months. Taking my blood sugar 4 times a day got really old, really quick. I am in awe of the people who have to do it day in and day out their whole lives. I know for sure I couldn't do it.

As a result of the diet, and the daily puking for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, I weighed 185 after I delivered. I lost 25 pounds while pregnant. And stayed there for some time, despite breast feeding (which I was TOLD was supposed to help with the weight loss. Liars.)

Fast forward a year. I have a friend I met at work whom I love dearly. She was also on the larger side (but carried it MUCH better than me). She moved on to greener pastures in another state shortly before I delivered my son. I was talking to her one day and she told me she'd lost SEVENTY FIVE pounds on Weight Watchers. She talked it up real good, telling me how easy it was and how much she loved it. I was feeling pretty good about the 25 I'd lost already, but knew I wasn't supposed to be at 185 either. As it was, my size 16s were pretty tight. She talked me into joining.

I did the 3 month online stint starting Sept 1, 2007. I lost another 25 pounds, dropping me to 160 (25 short of my goal weight of 135). I was a size 11 and feeling pretty good. When Dec 1st rolled around, I cancelled. I decided I knew enough about counting points, what portion sizes looked like and what a normal meal should consist of. Which I still firmly believe. I thought I could continue it on my own and just forego the tedium of entering every. thing. I. ate. However, I got lazy and fairly quick. I stopped thinking about food and just ate. Whatever I wanted. Whenever I wanted. I began stress eating again and Dairy Queen was almost a daily staple. I put 15 pounds back on pretty quick. And was back into my size 16s.

So, last month, my job decided to pay for WW. A whole bunch of coworkers decided to try it out and talked me into recommitting. So I started. At first, I was really into it, but quickly remembered why I stopped. Because I suck at documenting my food. And counting my points. The monotony kills me. I've done well enough so far - I've gone from 177 to 165 in the last month. That's with using all my flex points (and even going way over two weeks in a row). I've decided there is a skinny bitch in there somewhere wanting out. I just keep shutting her up with cake and french fries.

This takes me to why I hate WW. It makes me feel guilty. Yeah, there's all the talk about flex points giving you the ability to eat what you want... and talk of it being okay to eat junk in moderation. But it doesn't take into account PMS. Bad days at work. Potlucks. Lush-ism (NOT to be confused with alcholism). Things I run into on at least a monthly basis, if not more often. I *try* to be good, but damn it... when things go bad, you can find me at a burger joint, wolfing down a double cheeseburger with a large fry and a chocolate milkshake. Thinking "fuck it" all the while. And enjoying the hell out of all the calories.

Later, when I go to enter the points, the computer never fails to immediately start guilting me. It starts by putting my overeating numbers in red. Then, it begins commenting on "ideas for when you plateau" (ie - stop gorging yourself). Finally, it puts on my little graph the fact I didn't lose for that week. Sometimes I seriously expect a little arm to come out of the screen and squirt lemon juice in my wounds. When you enter a 5000 calorie meal, it should pop up with a short yes/no form: "Are you PMSing? Did you have a bad day today?" if the answer to either/both is yes, it should just ignore that meal. And send you flowers in the mail. Because THAT'S a diet I can get behind.